Big as all hell and half of Texas

Busier than a cat trying to cover up crap on a marble floor.

Cold as an ex-wife's heart.

This is hog killing weather.

Cold as a witch's tit.

I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.

He's got a big hole in his screen door.

She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.

Lights are on, but no one's home.

If dumb was dirt, he'd cover about an acre.

He's so dumb that if you moved his plate five inches to the left he'd starve to death.

He's so dumb he couldn't poor piss out of his boot if you wrote the instructions on the heel.

This ain't my first rodeo

She's warm in winter, shady in summer.

He was so fat it was easier to go over top of him than around him.

If she were an inch taller she'd be round.

Happy as a gopher in soft dirt.

• Toad choaker
• Frog strangler
• Turd floater

It's so hot the hens are layin' hard-boiled eggs.

Hot as a two-dollar whore on the 4th of July.

It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

It's hotter than a stolen tamale.

They ate supper before they said grace

She's just naturally horizontal.

He's like a blister--he doesn't show up till the work's all done.

He's riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

Tighter than bark on a tree

Sweating like a virgin at a prison rodeo.

Jumpy as spit on a hot skillet.

I'm so broke, I can't pay attention.

I ate so many armadillos when I was young I still role up into a ball when I hear a dog bark.

In tall cotton.

Tan your hide

Beat You Like a Rented Mule

Straighter than a fast trip to the outhouse.

"Never ask a man if he's from Texas. If he is, he'll tell you on his own. If he ain't, no need to embarrass him."

"The worm is the only animal that can't fall down."

"You can't get lard unless you boil the hog"

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.